Lucius Malfoy and the NoGood Horrible Very Bad Day
by Cherry Blossom
Summary: Poor Malfoy. He's surrounded by idiots. And perverts. And did we mention the idiots? My first Harry Potter fic (yay!).


Author: Cherry Blossom  
  
Rating: pg 13 (so far)  
  
Warnings: Excessive use of the word "fuck", death-eater orgies, perverted old man Dumbledore, possible future slash, probable future stupidity, and absolutely no plot whatsoever. There, I warned you.  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine, which is probably why I'm living in a one-bedroom apartment the size of a closet and wearing Ziploc bags for shoes. Send me food! Will work for twinkies!  
  
Lucius Malfoy And The No-Good Horrible Very Bad Day  
  
Lucius Malfoy looked at the piece of parchment in disbelief. He turned it sideways, then upside down. He squinted at it, and then wiggled his fingers at it in a vague hope that maybe the contents would change themselves around into something fairly reasonable. Then he read it again. It hadn't changed.  
  
"Kill Harry Potter," he murmured aloud. "What the fuck does he think I've been TRYING to do all this time? And what kind of moronic orders are these any how? I'm a top-ranking death eater. I don't have time to go chasing about after a sixteen year old boy. Let Goyle take this assignment."  
  
"Whatcha got there Lulu?" a booming voice behind him shouted, causing Malfoy to jump nearly two feet into the air before turning to glare at the outrageously fat man in death eater's clothing that had just managed to sneak up behind him.  
  
"For fuck's sake Goyle, make some fucking noise when you walk! You're going to get yourself hexed into oblivion doing that one of these days." Malfoy's eyes narrowed dangerously. "And did I just hear you call me 'Lulu'?"  
  
Goyle's gaze flicked nervously to the wand in Malfoy's hand and he shook his head rapidly.  
  
Malfoy sniffed and turned back to his parchment. "I didn't think so."  
  
"So are those new orders from the Dark Lord?" the fat man asked, trying to peek over Malfoy's shoulder at the parchment.  
  
"Rather old orders," Malfoy said. "Kill Harry Potter, yadda yadda yadda, same old same old. Why don't you take this assignment for a change Goyle?"  
  
Goyle's face was impossibly blank.  
  
"Harry who?"  
  
"Potter."  
  
No recognition dawned.  
  
"Boy-Who-Lived? Kid who defeated our Lord when he was only a baby? The kid who always manages to beat our Lord every year? Sodding scar on the forehead?"  
  
"..."  
  
Malfoy sighed and crumpled the parchment into a ball and threw it at the nearest wall where it promptly burst into flames.  
  
"Fine then. I'll take the assignment. Again."  
  
Goyle burst into a rather disturbing smile.  
  
"Gee thanks, man!" He made a move as if to clap the other man on the back in chummy camaraderie but quickly changed his mind when Malfoy shot him a glare and ran the hand through his rapidly thinning hair instead.  
  
Goyle was stupid, not insane.  
  
"Well I'll just let you get on with it then," he stammered, "Killing Barry Plotter, I mean. Good luck Lul-er.Malfoy." The man ran off down the hallway as fast as his immense girth would allow.  
  
Malfoy stared after him, scowling lightly.  
  
"Git."  
  
Well now that he was saddled once again with the seemingly impossible mission of killing Harry Potter, what was he to do about it? Poison, evil diaries, big snakes, curses, hexes, dementors, traffic accidents.it had all been done before with very little effect.  
  
'Perhaps pushing him into a body of water and throwing a toaster at him might work,' Malfoy pondered. 'Then again, if being in the same room as Neville Longbottom hasn't killed him in all these years, probably nothing will.'  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Gah!"  
  
For the second time, Malfoy found himself leaping into the air, heart thudding madly in his chest as his hand groped for the wand in his pocket. The thin figure beside him observed his antics with a sort of amused curiosity.  
  
"A bit jumpy tonight aren't you Lucius?"  
  
"Goddammit Pettigrew," Malfoy fumed, "don't DO that."  
  
"Sorry," the other man said, not looking at all like he was the least bit sorry. "I just wanted to know if you'd received the Master's instructions."  
  
"I have."  
  
"Oh good. Try not to screw up this time, will you? We want to wrap up this whole take-over-the-wizarding-world business before the holiday break. Got a bit of a retreat planned for January. What do you think of Tahiti?"  
  
"I think you'd better get out of here before I kill you," Malfoy seethed.  
  
Pettigrew frowned, looking rather offended.  
  
"Well fine, if that's the way you want it," he huffed. "I'll just go back to humping the Dark Lord's leg, shall I? Well let me tell you something mister! You're not invited to any of the orgies we're going to be having when we get to Tahiti. ANY of them. So there!"  
  
Peter Pettigrew flounced off and Malfoy was once again left on his own to ponder the mystery of how to kill Harry Potter.  
  
"Oh hell, I'll just tell Draco to do it for me. No sense getting all worked up about it."  
  
Feeling considerably better now that he had a game plan, Malfoy set off at once for Hogwarts to give the mission to his son in person. He would rather have sent a note but for some reason his mail kept getting intercepted and sent back to him with cushy love poems and little hearts scribbled on it. He suspected it was Dumbledore's doing. The old pervert.  
  
To Be Continued...After Tea. 


End file.
